Bar mitzvah postponed again

I can hardly express how sad this makes all of us: We have to reimagine Aaron’s bar mitzvah again. When we moved it from March 14 to July 25, it seemed like plenty of time; surely we would have this pandemic figured out in four months? But no. Things are still so uncertain, and so limited. And even though it is remotely possible that state law would allow gatherings of our size by that time (and I briefly daydreamed about a drive-in service), what it boils down to is that we absolutely do not want our beloved elders to get on a plane. It’s not going to be safe yet and we will not put them in that position.

We had multiple conversations to decide what to do next -- with our partner family, with our rabbi, and with Aaron. All of these conversations were beautiful examples of respectful candor, where everyone got to say where they were coming from. They were also heart-wrenching and exhausting. Our rabbi was wonderful: she was a good listener, helped organize what she was hearing into a clear set of options, and gave her own input, which I was really grateful for.

We needed to decide between three options:

(A) Go ahead this July (2020), knowing that guests could attend only by zoom. There is a chance we might be able to be in the sanctuary ourselves, though masked.

(B) Wait until next summer (2021), in the hope that we could be in person for some part of either the service, the party, or both, with zoom attendance as the backup plan. (We don’t want to do it in the winter because then we’d have to be indoors, which greatly reduces the chance of being able to gather safely.)

(C) Wait until we can be fairly confident it will be safe for vulnerable people to travel to be with us, i.e., when there is a vaccine. This is not next summer, but maybe the summer after that (2022).

The only one of these that we felt able to rule out was (C). The boys would be turning 15 and a year through high school already; it just feels developmentally wrong at that time. Among the four adults, there was pretty much equal inclination for (A) and (B). One preferred (B) because there is a chance of gathering our community together, one preferred (A) because (to be really frank about it) loved ones could die in the coming year, and two felt equally divided. Is it better to wait until it can be more like we want, or does it suck to have it hanging over your head for another year? What if we wait until 2021 and then it turns out to be the same as it would have been in 2020? To be honest, there is no great option.

The initial tiebreaker was Adam, who does not want either (A) or (C). Aaron pretty much agreed. To him, the most important part is to be welcomed by your community, and he wants a chance at that. He understands the risks of waiting, and is concerned about those risks. But also, he says that these days he is very anxious generally, and maybe he would be less anxious by that time. (I will add that by then we are likely to have gotten better at Zoom ceremonies, and more used to the sight of masks.) So… our choice is (B), the new date is July 17. We will also acknowledge their bar mitzvah date this summer with an aliyah, to mark the occasion, and especially their in this decisionmaking.

I share Aaron’s values for community, and I am extremely proud of him. When we can all gather around him and celebrate his incredible journey to get to that point – what a day that will be! Meanwhile… we are so sad, we can hardly talk about it.

68 days

It has been 68 days since the kids were sent home from school. This is a historic time, and it would be really good of me to keep a better record of what our family is experiencing, but I keep finding that hard to do. It’s not that I’m too busy… it’s more like I don’t want to. Basically I wish it wasn’t happening and would rather just look the other way until it’s over. But it’s not going to be over for a long time. I’m even social-distancing in my dreams.

Overall we are fine. I work remotely and cook. Dale works remotely and gardens. Aaron keeps up with school and plays Minecraft. Jordan… plays Minecraft (school expects very little of him). The kids do household tasks; we go the park; we watch TV together. And then there is another day.

School will be with us in this sense for another month-ish, and then for the summer, the kids are likely to have nothing. Most of their beloved summer activities have already been canceled: sleepaway camp is gone, choir camp is extremely unlikely, ultimate frisbee camp is gone in June and only remotely possible in August. A long vista of strange time stretches before us. But for today, we have a wonderful home, we get along, we eat well, and the weather is beautiful.

Remote piano lesson

Last Saturday, we attended Aaron’s piano lesson in person and the teacher sat 6 feet away from him. Today, we did it remotely. In the photo the teacher is video-calling in from the iPad on the music stand. Aaron said it was good, but also very weird. I think it rattled him the way the grocery store rattled me.

Grocery shopping

Grocery shopping shook me up. Things are good there, everyone being extremely kind and responsible: it’s just the reality of it. A friendly staff member at the door doling out sanitizer. Another one busily disinfecting the carts. I was there at 8am on a Saturday, and it was not crowded; people kept a polite distance from each other as best they could, though some of the aisles are narrow, and many of the aisles were cluttered with boxes that staff were in the process of unpacking. They are working so hard… I am trying to think in terms of what is present on the shelves and celebrate what I find: Chicken! Cream! Garlic! But the absences are still notable: today it was whole wheat flour and dark chocolate. Well, next time. The staff member in the produce aisle asked me, “Are you finding everything you need?” and I answered “Yes, thank you” without thinking, and then tears welled up. May we all find everything we need.

There was a long well-spaced line for the cash register. If you brought your own bags, you had to bag your own groceries so the cashiers wouldn't have to touch your bags. When I left, there was a well-spaced line to enter the store (to reduce crowding).

Bread

I am teaching the kids to make bread. This is a yeasted semi-whole-wheat sandwich bread, the stuff Dale grew up on; I got the recipe from Dale’s cousin. It’s very easy (the kids are astonished at how easy it is), and when you’re home all day, it’s hardly any trouble. Also of course it’s extremely delicious.

If I were not working right now, I’d adopt a sourdough starter and learn that whole process. Maybe in a few weeks.

PE class

The kids need physical activity, ideally a whole lot of it: Jordan's at his best when he plays ultimate frisbee (e.g., runs like a dog) for 8-10 hours a week. Jordan knows this about himself and is very happy to have both physical games to play and physical tasks to do. He and Aaron are regularly outside for badminton. 

(Once I told someone about them playing badminton in the backyard, and the person looked at me like I was saying we lived on a country estate; but as you can see in the photo, we’ve just strung a rope strung from the deck to a garden pole.) We also have been known to go to public tennis courts for some socially distant pickleball.

In the physical tasks department, Dale had the brilliant idea of ordering a truckload of good dirt and a new wheelbarrow. Jordan helped build the wheelbarrow, and the boys spend multiple sessions of every day hauling dirt from the dirt-pile into our various garden beds. This is serious work and they just love it.

Daily plan

I was feeling very anxious about what the kids will do for the next six weeks or more (probably more), especially Jordan, who has zero school. We had a very good family meeting and agreed on this plan for now:

• Jordan wakes up at 8:30ish on weekdays, and engages in daily creative/learning activities including learning a programming language, drumming, and creating electronic music.
• He and Aaron get outside for “PE class” together at least half an hour a day.
• Parents can assign chores, like cleaning up the kitchen or folding the laundry, whatever needs doing that day.
• One or both kids will make dinner a couple times a week.
• Recreational screen time has some limitations – always a work in progress.
• We will have regular family meetings (every other day?) to continually check in and make adjustments.

I feel good about this. The best part was that it was a consensus process; we parents asked questions and gave the kids an enormous amount of agency, and they made good choices. It felt good to say yes to things, and know that we had their buy-in because it had been their suggestion in the first place. It also feels great to me that we will have regular family meetings to evolve the system as needed. Those family meetings, wow, what a great investment that turns out to have been.