Goodbye Phil

Yesterday we said goodbye to our beloved kitty, Phil. Phil has been with us for twelve years - longer than either of our children - and he was an adult when we got him, at least four and maybe six years old; so he was a very, very elderly cat. He had been reasonably robust until a couple of weeks ago. But last week he almost entirely stopped eating, and kind of just stopped overall. I won't describe the details but it was very sad to see his steep decline. 

Phil was always a very loving cat, loved to be petted, purred all the time, never bit or scratched, and loved attention from all people, especially guests. Anytime there was a party or band practice he would put himself right in the middle of it. Anytime anyone sat down on the couch he would pop up and butt his head on you to be petted. Phil had a lot of fans among our friends and family for his cat charm. He used to be quite a stocky guy, which is hard for me to remember now because he has been skin and bones for some time now. Here he is with each baby.

The kids are very deeply affected by this loss. It has been a time for us all to talk about how to experience such piercing sadness. It is hard to sustain such big, sad feelings, and it's okay to need to take it in small doses. However, it is not okay to try to turn sad feelings away and insist that everyone cheer up; because when you feel bad feelings, they pass, but if you refuse to feel bad feelings, they tend to stick around in a troubling way. And also if you don't talk about sad feelings, you feel not only sad but also alone; and in our family, we want to be together if we are sad.

Aaron was heartbreakingly expressive about saying goodbye to Phil.

Jordan was deeply affected too. He stayed with Phil until the end. Both boys helped select the gravesite in our backyard and participated in the digging. We felt how the intense sadness would overwhelm us, and then get less again, and then return when we laid him in the ground or later saw his food bowl or realized there was no longer a reason to leave the bedroom door open a crack for him to come sleep on the bed.

We spent the end of the day watching little home movies from when the kids were babies and toddlers, always with Phil in the background (or foreground), purring and getting in on things. We all had a real sense of the passage of time, and how far our family has come together.