Positive self-talk

Aaron is emotionally transparent both in sorrow and in joy. I admire his clarity, and how readily he shares his feelings with the people around him, but sometimes he is tossed by his own storm and can’t function. For example, last week he was sure his choir homework was going to be impossible, and he became outraged and despondent, and cried for 45 minutes. Once he calmed down enough to focus (with the help of his brother), the homework only took ten minutes. This is what I would call disproportionate. (Not that we haven’t all been there.)

At school, they are learning about positive and negative self-talk. They discuss how when you are worried about performing well or completing a task, it is easy to get frustrated and say things to yourself like, “This is impossible” and “I’m never going to finish,” but that makes you feel even more despairing and hopeless. They practice positive self-talk instead. During the choir homework drama, I tried to help Aaron switch to positive self-talk. I even wrote out sentences for him to read! I thought this was a great idea. Unfortunately it didn’t work on Aaron, but maybe I could use something similar on myself next time I’m upset:

1. I can take deep breaths and I will start to feel better.
2. Choir homework is a little bit hard, but it is not too hard for me! I can do it!
3. My mom will help me if I get stuck!
4. Once I get my choir homework done, I will feel very proud of myself!
5. It will not take very long! Only about 15 minutes.
6. I know how to calm myself down if I get upset.

Though Aaron did not manage to switch to positive self-talk that time, he has used it remarkably well since then. Just yesterday, facing another choir assignment, he said, “I am going to do some of this every day until I master it! And if I start to get mad and cry, I am going to calm myself down and do it anyway!” This was after he had had a breakdown during rehearsal over an assignment he had misunderstood. His choir director, Maria, took a moment to connect with him individually, and Aaron told us, “She said I should be proud of myself, and that she is enjoying being my teacher!” (In case you are wondering why choir is so demanding right now, it’s because he just moved up a level – he is adjusting.)

The most spectacular time was at his recent piano recital, which was his first ever, in front of maybe fifty people. He got off to a bad start on one of his songs and had to just pause and start over again, which I thought might be the end of him. But no, he did great! He told me later that he did this with positive self-talk. He said to himself, “I can just start over. No one minds if I pause before I start again. Maybe no one is even noticing my mistakes. I can do it. Everything is fine.” And it worked! This was an awesome demonstration to him of his self-control, and entirely independent.