After school yesterday, in the heat.
Rachel: I totally get you on this. People should just say what their own experience is. They can say, “I’m not hot,” or “It’s not hot to me.” No argument there.
Jordan: Yeah, exactly.
Rachel: This is a super common thing, where people tell you what you feel, but you don't feel that. I have some friends who are having a big argument because one of them did something that hurt the other one’s feelings, and the one of them says the other one’s feelings shouldn’t be hurt, and the other one says the first one shouldn’t be so mean. It’s terrible for both of them.
Jordan: I notice you emphasizing the “shouldn’ts.”
Rachel: Yes. Even in that suicide prevention training I did last weekend, they told us that it is very common to tell someone who is suicidal that they shouldn’t feel so bad. But they DO feel that bad, so it’s completely unhelpful. It just denies what they are feeling.
Aaron: There is something similar that drives me crazy which is when you’re running in the hall, and a teacher says, “We’re not running in the hall.” But clearly we are! At least I am.
Rachel: Totally. I think people should try to only say things that are true. What they said isn’t true. They could say, “Please don’t run in the hall,” or “The rule is no running in the hall” – those would be true.
Aaron: Right or like the mom who says, “You’ll like this, it’s delicious.” It’s not for her to say whether the kid is going to like it or find it delicious.
Rachel: I love that one. Parents can be terrible at this. I try to always say, “I think you would like this. To me it is delicious.” Those can be all true things, but you are still free to say, “Actually, I don't really like this.”
Jordan: I notice you emphasizing the “shouldn’ts.”
Rachel: Yes. Even in that suicide prevention training I did last weekend, they told us that it is very common to tell someone who is suicidal that they shouldn’t feel so bad. But they DO feel that bad, so it’s completely unhelpful. It just denies what they are feeling.
Aaron: There is something similar that drives me crazy which is when you’re running in the hall, and a teacher says, “We’re not running in the hall.” But clearly we are! At least I am.
Rachel: Totally. I think people should try to only say things that are true. What they said isn’t true. They could say, “Please don’t run in the hall,” or “The rule is no running in the hall” – those would be true.
Aaron: Right or like the mom who says, “You’ll like this, it’s delicious.” It’s not for her to say whether the kid is going to like it or find it delicious.
Rachel: I love that one. Parents can be terrible at this. I try to always say, “I think you would like this. To me it is delicious.” Those can be all true things, but you are still free to say, “Actually, I don't really like this.”
After thinking about it, I realized I had not modeled what I think my arguing friends might say instead of their "shouldn'ts." I think "ouch" and "oops" would be pretty good.
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