Bar mitzvah postponed again

I can hardly express how sad this makes all of us: We have to reimagine Aaron’s bar mitzvah again. When we moved it from March 14 to July 25, it seemed like plenty of time; surely we would have this pandemic figured out in four months? But no. Things are still so uncertain, and so limited. And even though it is remotely possible that state law would allow gatherings of our size by that time (and I briefly daydreamed about a drive-in service), what it boils down to is that we absolutely do not want our beloved elders to get on a plane. It’s not going to be safe yet and we will not put them in that position.

We had multiple conversations to decide what to do next -- with our partner family, with our rabbi, and with Aaron. All of these conversations were beautiful examples of respectful candor, where everyone got to say where they were coming from. They were also heart-wrenching and exhausting. Our rabbi was wonderful: she was a good listener, helped organize what she was hearing into a clear set of options, and gave her own input, which I was really grateful for.

We needed to decide between three options:

(A) Go ahead this July (2020), knowing that guests could attend only by zoom. There is a chance we might be able to be in the sanctuary ourselves, though masked.

(B) Wait until next summer (2021), in the hope that we could be in person for some part of either the service, the party, or both, with zoom attendance as the backup plan. (We don’t want to do it in the winter because then we’d have to be indoors, which greatly reduces the chance of being able to gather safely.)

(C) Wait until we can be fairly confident it will be safe for vulnerable people to travel to be with us, i.e., when there is a vaccine. This is not next summer, but maybe the summer after that (2022).

The only one of these that we felt able to rule out was (C). The boys would be turning 15 and a year through high school already; it just feels developmentally wrong at that time. Among the four adults, there was pretty much equal inclination for (A) and (B). One preferred (B) because there is a chance of gathering our community together, one preferred (A) because (to be really frank about it) loved ones could die in the coming year, and two felt equally divided. Is it better to wait until it can be more like we want, or does it suck to have it hanging over your head for another year? What if we wait until 2021 and then it turns out to be the same as it would have been in 2020? To be honest, there is no great option.

The initial tiebreaker was Adam, who does not want either (A) or (C). Aaron pretty much agreed. To him, the most important part is to be welcomed by your community, and he wants a chance at that. He understands the risks of waiting, and is concerned about those risks. But also, he says that these days he is very anxious generally, and maybe he would be less anxious by that time. (I will add that by then we are likely to have gotten better at Zoom ceremonies, and more used to the sight of masks.) So… our choice is (B), the new date is July 17. We will also acknowledge their bar mitzvah date this summer with an aliyah, to mark the occasion, and especially their in this decisionmaking.

I share Aaron’s values for community, and I am extremely proud of him. When we can all gather around him and celebrate his incredible journey to get to that point – what a day that will be! Meanwhile… we are so sad, we can hardly talk about it.