Watch

Aaron is a kid who likes to know what time it is, in all senses. He likes to know what’s happening next, and how much time he has before the next transition, so that he can get ready. Jordan is not the same way; Jordan is happy to go along with whatever’s happening next, and doesn’t really need (or care) to know about it in advance. He likes surprises.

Jordan used a watch when he was on tour with the boychoir, because sometimes they were responsible for meeting at a certain place at a certain time. But he does not usually choose to wear his watch in his daily life. Aaron would like to have a watch, and Jordan’s is too big for him, so we agreed to get him his own.

We discussed whether Aaron would want a digital watch or an analog watch. I explained that there are pros and cons of each: If you get an analog watch, you become a master of reading the time, since you practice it a whole lot. If you get a digital watch, you often have extras like a timer and a stopwatch, so if those are useful to you, you might want a digital watch. He chose analog. We found this sweet little timex with a Velcro strap, so it fits a small wrist and is easy to get on and off. He loves it and wears it every day. Apparently he has been keeping tabs on the time in class, pointing out to his teacher when they have five minutes until they need to leave for music etc. I hope she enjoys this.

Little life

Ever since Phil died (over a year ago), Aaron has been asking very passionately for a pet. Dale and I do not want to adopt another major mammal at this time. Much as we loved Phil, we are really enjoying the absence of hair on the sofa (not to mention puke on the floor), and the freedom of going out of town without needing a cat-sitter. In addition, if we got a young cat now, we’d likely still have this cat when Aaron was finished with college. We do not want to make that kind of commitment.

Aaron, though, helped us to understand that he would not necessarily need this new pet to be a cat or a dog. What he wants is a little life that depends on him, that he can think of as his special companion. We have fish, but they are Dale’s fish: even though they are in the kids’ room, Dale chose them and Dale takes care of them. Aaron recently read a book in which the main character, a sixth-grade boy, had a goldfish companion, and Aaron thinks this would be satisfying for him.

So we have decided that Aaron may have his own fish tank. We will pay to set it up, but he will buy the fish and their food out of his allowance money, and he will be entirely responsible for their care. (Jordan can help too, but they will be Aaron’s responsibility.) If Aaron demonstrates that he can take good care of the fish, then in a few months, he may petition us for a more ambitious small animal, maybe a gerbil. (Gerbils only live a few years.)

Aaron is very happy with this plan. He has designed the Good Goldfish Aquarium of his dreams.

He has also been thinking about how fish experience the world. To a fish, for example, normal human abilities (like breathing air, or seeing colors) might seem like superpowers.

Decluttering

At a recent family meeting, I brought up the subject of Jordan's desk: What does he want to use it for? Because currently, it is basically a large shelf piled high with stuff. He said he really wants to use it as an actual desk, where he could sit to do homework or work on a project, but he doesn't know where to put all the things that have piled up there. The current storage areas are full of .... well, we don't even know what. Time for decluttering! The kids had not heard this word before but they like it quite a bit. We made a list of places full of mystery objects: not only the desk but also storage bins under the bed, shelves in their closet, and a couple of zones in the playroom upstairs.



Decluttering is effortful so we are making it more fun with incentives. First of all they get equal Minecraft time for time spent decluttering; that is a major incentive right there. But Aaron said, "Jordan and I really want to play Minecraft, so we might go slow to get more time." Therefore we added another incentive: For every bag of stuff that goes in the trash or out to the Goodwill, they get homemade lemonade or hot cocoa. (This was their choice of reward and they practically went through the ceiling when I said yes -- apparently these drinks are very motivating!) Finally, I promised to accompany their decluttering with a new genre of music every time, one they haven't heard of before. Jordan was fascinated by this idea.

We have had two sessions so far, less than half an hour each, and the boys are great at this! They save a few things and ditch the rest. They stay pretty well focused. They are amused by the music (Celtic yesterday, Bollywood today). They use me to help them organize what they're keeping (e.g., "let's make this box be for musical instruments and this box be for plastic animals"). They enjoy looking at a toy and thinking "I am not really interested in this anymore, but some other kid might be really excited about it!" We accomplished the entire under-the-bed zone, which was awesome. Aaron especially was blown away by how good he felt, both to get the boxes cleaned out and to make all these great donations.

Now that we have emptied some boxes, I'm hoping we'll see what to do with the stuff on the desk!

Superpower

I found this in Aaron's backpack:



Heck of a superpower actually. And so appropriate to Aaron, who so openly gives compliments, calls out injustices, and persists in correcting us when we misunderstand something.

Family meetings

We are reinstating weekly Family Meetings and really enjoying it. We have done this before, but not since 2011, which is ... a while. Aaron is helping us to model the meetings after his weekly Class Meetings at school, where they problem-solve about things that are troubling them, such as unfairness during games of four-square. At Aaron's prompting we have established an Agenda Book, which sits in the living room; whenever you think of something you want to discuss at the Family Meeting you jot it down in the book, instead of having to remember it on Sunday night or whatever. This is a great improvement. The meetings begin with compliments; then we address the concerns written in the book; then we end with a joke. Aaron likes to be the leader. He reads each concern aloud, begins the discussion with "Jordan [or whoever], is this still a concern?" and takes notes about our proposed solutions.

I am surprised by the concerns and suggestions that the kids come up with, which I think means the system is working; it's helping us have conversations we weren't already having. For example, one week I asked Jordan if there was anything more we could do to support him in choir, since it's a hardworking season. He said he wanted my help practicing 30-60 minutes a day; that I should choose a time when he's feeling happy with me, "like right after a delicious lunch," rather than a time when he might resent my intrusion, "like when I'm playing a game with Aaron"; and could I please get some gum to use as a motivator. Gum?! Who knew? I cheerfully got six kinds of gum and bribed both him and Aaron with it regularly, to everyone's apparent delight, and with excellent results for their music practice. But then at the next family meeting, Aaron shared the concern that I was overusing the gum - for example, giving it to both of them when only one of them was earning the reward. He asked me to dial back so that the gum doesn't lose its motivating power. How about that.

In a later week, Dale brought up the fact that our shared spaces get messy, and I suggested a regular cleanup time. Jordan asked, "How could we make a cleanup routine fun? And could we do it without bribes?" My first thought was - it's not supposed to be fun, you're just supposed to do it. But I kept quiet, and what do you know, we collaboratively came up with the great idea of a Cleanup Song. When a parent judges that there's some cleaning up that needs to happen, we just turn on the Cleanup Song, and for three minutes the kids clean up like crazy. We are all astonished by how much you can get done in three minutes! But if necessary we can just repeat the song. And no one needs to lecture or nag or even say one word. It's genius. The Cleanup Song is currently "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" (Jordan's choice); we plan to change it every couple of weeks.

We end with ridiculous kid-friendly jokes, such as:

Q. What does a tree wear to a pool party?

A. Swimming trunks.

Q. How do trees get on the internet?

A. They log in.

Lessons & Carpools

Lessons and Carols has begun again, and it feels very different from last year. Jordan has been on top of his music all along, instead of needing to memorize twenty songs at the last minute. We are familiar with the performance venues. Jordan is also much more familiar just with performing - with the routines, the details, and the attention required. We have a reliable new carpool team, thank goodness, because there is a huge amount of driving and our former carpool buddies moved to California. All in all the whole thing is very smooth so far. I have ushered at one performance and it was wonderful. His head of school was there too.

Jordan is in the third row on the far right, a bit shadowed. This year, the main challenge is for him to be a strong enough leader musically to help pull along the new guys. But they seem to be doing well; the first three concerts were quite decent according to the director, who has very high standards. You can hear clips on the Boychoir's Facebook page.